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The Terrible Trio

If you remember an earlier story about Comoba in “The Head,” you will recall that he was a military genius. One of the legends that contributed to his aura of military brilliance (and which also led Balor to ask him to be his right hand officer) was his defeat of the “Death Hogs.” These fierce vetted Maul were thought to be unstoppable and plundered his home village where they pinched women without mercy. They had to be stopped. At the time, Comoba was in charge of a local militia. This village was unique in that it had six village idiots as opposed to just one. Of course they would try and join his militia. And so it came to pass that Comoba was sitting by the Mill near the Town Square recruiting some militiamen. His friend and fellow recruiter on the other side of town came running to him.

“Those six village idiots came up to me and wanted to join. I thought I would warn you!”

“What is the deal with them anyway, they seem like brave men of valor to me,” replied Comoba.

“Well you see, Comoba, they claim they are a superior [trio of terror], a fighting force thirsty for battle. They are the laughingstock of the whole town!”

“So why not let them fight? I cannot find anything humorous about a [trio of terror],” said Comoba.

“Well, em, to start ... there are six of them, not three. I can’t believe you have not heard about these guys!”

“No I have heard little about them. Tell me why they are idiots — other than the fact that they can’t count.”

“Everyone knows they are totally useless in battle. That idiotic religious Ghôl only attacks if his opponent swears. He hates curse words. The stupid Dwarf doesn’t even own any Molotov cocktails. He just charges at the enemy with his bag of satchels until they kill him! The Berserk doesn’t attack. He just acts as a shield for that scared cross-eyed little Archer. The Berserk is mute too, so that idiotic Ghôl can’t even attack his drunken hide if he swears! The Warlock can’t fire either. All he can do is cast a Ring of Fire. And he will only do that if a friend attacks him! One queer thing about him is that he imitates other units in battle with his voice. Last is the deaf Fetch. She is OK in battle except that orders are useless. She was trained to respond to letters written in the ground. For instance if someone wrote a 'D' in the dirt she would know to go on defense. Not one of those six can write and she won’t fight with anyone else. They are totally useless in any combination or by themselves!”

Comoba thought for a moment.

“Sign them up, they will take on the Death Hogs.”

“The Death Hogs? Comoba, have you lost your mind?”

Comoba found the trio — er the six — and told them to patrol the village gates that night. They were in the militia! He had his fellow recruiter come with him and sit up in the Mill.

“Watch what happens when the Mauls come” said Comoba.

“I told you, they are just going to die, they are idiots and are useless!” replied his friend.

Just then the Mauls stormed in! They burst through the gates. When they saw the six idiots guarding the path before them they howled with laughter. The Death Hogs even knew of the six idiots! The Dwarf (with no Molotovs) charged the Mauls. The Warlock imitated the Dwarf and chuckled with each step the Dwarf took. When the Dwarf reached the Mauls, who were now rolling on the ground in spasms of laughter, they quickly surrounded him and cut him into pieces. They stared at his dead carcass and his bag of satchel charges and scratched their heads in amazement. “What a fool!” they thought. The cross-eyed Archer was terrified. He ran behind the berserk and with his shaking hands fired an arrow. Of course the arrow just stuck into the flesh of the mute Berserk whose face twisted with anger and pain. The Warlock imitated the Berserk and yelled “Damn your eyes!” The religious Ghôl had his meditation interrupted by the filthy mouth of the Warlock. So to set an example he ran over and belted the Warlock a blow with a cleaver. This had set off the Warlock’s defense mechanism and he spouted his Ring of Fire since he was attacked by a fellow unit. At this time the Mauls were laughing so hard that they began to cry. They did not even have to attack. For the six were killing themselves. As the deaf Fetch saw the lock spell out “O” in flames on the ground because of his Ring of Fire, she knew that was her signal to go on the offensive. She saw the bag of satchels and hit them with a bolt of lightning. The laughing Mauls were killed instantly as the Warlock imitated their squeals.

“My God, Comoba, you are a genius!”

“Elementary my dear friend ...”